User blog:Enchanteddragons/Idk
I'm not feeling that great today, between emotional stuff and biological stuff eh It's so hard to write out what you're thinking, but you have to unravel why you feel so s****y all the time. I'll just have to try. I'll feel better afterwards. I've been feeling so average lately. There are so many people better than me. The only thing I think I can do is art. I love art. But I don't even do it that often anymore. The forums can't post images, I'm no good at writing. My rolepkaying is horrible. I can't code. I feel like I can't do anything right. I want to be a nice person that can comfort who I think are friends, but I don't know how to convey the little pinpricks I'm feeling. I try to talk around it because of that and then I just make them feel worse. It seems super edgy sounding, but I barely feel anything anymore at this stage. I just feel numb. Is someone unhappy? I have to comfort them. Not because I feel bad, but because it's a moral obligation. I can barely feel anything sometimes. Maybe one day when I feel a little not better, I can feel something for someone I know and cherish. In the rare event people ask me for advice, I can help but think: I don't know either! What's I'm wrong? What I think should be best can't always be the best and it's probably horribly wrong I guess that's just depression. I'm not numb, I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to have to listen to everyone's problems. I want them to like me so I'll help them out, but I really don't want to do anything anymore except idly type and click at a screen. I also know that's just the depression talking. I just need to force myself or else I'll never get better. I can't just snap out of it, but I can't just let it get worse either. I can't help but feel like everyone hates me. Sporadic thoughts are also a symptom and the article a I read told me to try and refute all of them. But my thoughts consist of what others think of me. I don't know what they're thinking, they're not me, they probably despise me for all I know. I'm probably too weird and annoying for them to like me. It's too tiring to try and refute thoughts that could very well be true. Some days I just feel so bogged down that I even feel like my chest is physically heavier. I dont know if it's real or just fiction, but it feels like there's a giant stone in my chest. Idk maybe I'm just unhealthy and I have a heart problem or maybe I'm just delusional and imagining things. I confided in my doctor a year ago. She told me it was probably just stress. Well, maybe it was, that was before the suicidal and self harming thoughts came. Life just feels so tiring and uncertain. I just have zero motivation to do any sort of thing. I want to be able to get motivated since I had so much fun back when I had motivation. It goes for ML, for the forums, for art. I know I need to experiment and learn anatomy to improve, but I can't bring myself to do anything except doodle. I'm not good at anything, but I want someone to notice me. That's pretty much it I think, as petty as it is. No one has the time to respond to every single one of my stupid threads, and if they do I don't reply until much late reply because I can't muster enough motivation to do anything. The more I post, the more likely someone can reply. They won't keep replying if the person who posted isn't there to continue. As long as I keep doing the motions it'll get better I love chatting with people online. I don't have to make eye contact, I can share my interests and I don't have to show them who I look like. I can just talk normally without any of my shyness and I love that I can. I love being crazy and making everyone happy. But that's only if everyone is happy. If someone's sad I might as well leave because how can i help someone if I let ,yself get depression in the first place? But it's rude to leave and I don't want them to feel worse so I'll stay and try to say something. I'm probably just feeling bad because of today's circumstances. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. If you keep repeating something it'll become true eventually. Well, if there really is anyone reading this, I guess I'll see you later. I'll just Ben around the forums and here I guess Category:Blog posts